I understand this is part of the healing process — and time heals all wounds, but any time I get alone but esp when I am sleeping, my mind keeps me awake. A very specific thing happens where I imagine fantasies but they are no longer about me "winning" or "getting back at people who have wronged me" but I seemed to have given up on that — I now imagine myself getting humiliated more. And I know to ignore this. If I wait a while It will stop as I would have healed my mind sufficiently.

I also understand that everytime someone has wronged me they will face no consequences or accountability. And this is likely the realization that changed the nature of my daydreams but it is nevertheless part of my healing journey. I must not fight them but let it happen.

The question of what it means to be healed — when i was baccha I didn't have many friends either. But coming out of kalej and having all these experiences I now find it increasingly difficult to stay like this. It used to be that I would talk to myself and if I wan't to talk to someone I would Imagine a convo with them and be done with it. But recently just after my imaginary convo I ended up calling two of my college friends — one my roommate (he was the supportive one in my 4 sharing room) and the other was an incel-type classmate who did a bunch of chan memes and was the one who brought me here in the first place. This is completely OOC for me.

And I know what this feels like. Its the same feeling when I know I am on a diet but have breakfast and dinner anyway. Its when I know im no fapping but start anyway. My bad experiences in kalej have made me dependant on other people which is something I never was.

So that is healing. One day I will have healed my mind completely. And I will go back to how things were. I would never have to go anywhere because I can just visualize how it must look. I would never have to pet an animal because I know how fur feels and can just imagine it. I would naver vall my old friends because I know how they speak and how they are. I wouldn't have to I can just imagine.

sry for the wall of text btw I am that ponyfag and the troon who posted my penis and a bunch of namefaggers who did self deprecation posts